


Simon Goes Through The Gate

by danceswithgary



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Crack, Digital Art, Gen, Pasted On Yay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-17
Updated: 2020-05-17
Packaged: 2021-03-02 19:21:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,978
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24171967
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/danceswithgary/pseuds/danceswithgary
Summary: Simon didn't really expect to get his wish, let alone end up being sucked into a green, whirly whatsis and spat out on a slippery marble floor in a strange dark somewhere most definitely not home.
Kudos: 15





	1. Part One

**Author's Note:**

  * For [sgamadison](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sgamadison/gifts).



> This all started with a post by sgamadison where she shared a picture of her cat, Simon, and a few of his photoshopped adventures. It made me smile and then inspired me to send Simon on an adventure to Atlantis.
> 
> This is cracky and extremely pasted-on yay! fun which flirts with canon but never, ever, takes it seriously.
> 
> Could be rated as General, but it's a trifle suggestive....

Once there was an ordinary cat named Simon, who lived with Sarah and a big furry goof named Hawkeye.

Simon was usually content with his life but, every now and then, he wondered what it would be like to have adventures like Hawkeye kept bragging about, although not the kind where Hawkeye came home smelling manky. One night, after listening to a particularly riveting tale about trails and wonderful smells and wild running, Simon looked up and wished upon a star.

Simon didn't really expect to get his wish, let alone end up being sucked into a green, whirly whatsis and spat out on a slippery marble floor in a strange dark somewhere most definitely not home. Fortunately for Simon, cats always land on their feet, although it was looking iffy for the first few seconds. 

It wasn't long before other people began to arrive, walking out of the watery circle and somehow managing to avoid getting wet. Simon thought it was a good trick and decided he'd learn it as soon as possible.

Simon scampered up the nearest set of stairs to avoid all the tromping feet, and that's when he met his new best friends, McKay and the Major.

He followed them around as they explored the strange place that McKay and the Major called Atlantis, even joining them at a window to look out at the water completely surrounding them. Yikes!

It wasn't long before Simon had to choose between going through the circle of water (learning the not-getting-wet trick immediately) or staying where there was water trying to get inside _everywhere_. There was a very pretty lady named Teyla on the other side of the circle, who made Simon miss Sarah. 

And then there was running and shooting and entirely too much adventuring for Simon's taste but, when they finally got back to Atlantis, the water went back where it belonged - outside and under instead of over and all around. Whew!

Everyone was settling in okay and Simon moved in with McKay - whose other names were Doctor and Rodney - because he understood cats and the importance of regular meals, toys to play with, and a clean litter box. McKay was nice and warm in bed, although he had a habit of drooling on the pillow. Simon hated sleeping on wet spots.

The Major liked playing with McKay too. He even threw McKay over a balcony to watch him bounce like a ball. Simon enjoyed the fun and games until the black smoke came and made everyone unhappy. Simon decided to help McKay send it away and then they both got lots of pets from the Major after the bad smoke was gone.

After that, Simon got to go through the water circle a lot with his friends. Sometimes they rode in something the Major called a puddlejumper. Simon's tummy didn't feel very good when McKay was driving.

It was always fun watching the Major and Teyla play with sticks, certainly more fun than walking through dark, damp hallways with McKay.

It wasn't fun meeting the strange lady who didn't smell right. McKay was angry and threw things at the wall in his room. Personally, Simon thought the Major was silly for not watching her eyes while talking to her. 

Then there was the adventure where everyone was digging in the biggest litter boxes Simon had ever seen.

At least McKay and the Major realized how important Simon was and traded the bad people the shiny orange toy so Simon could go home to Atlantis. Simon didn't even mind sharing McKay's bed with the Major after that, although it got a little crowded sometimes.

Things got a little crazy on Atlantis after that adventure - a lot of scary noise and running - so Simon spent most of his time hiding under McKay's bed until it was time to leave through the circle again. It was pretty boring in the gray place on the other side, so Simon just stayed in the room McKay slept in until it was time to travel on a really big puddlejumper. It was big enough that there was more running and shouting. Humans are weird like that. 


	2. Part Two

By the time they got back to Atlantis, the Major had a new name - Colonel. Simon had always thought humans were weird with all their different names for the same thing. For instance, Sarah called Hawkeye all sorts of names - sometimes they weren't very nice - but it didn't matter what people called Simon because he only listened when he wanted to.

One time, McKay wouldn't let Simon go on an adventure because McKay didn't have time to invent sunscreen for cats. Simon was okay with that because McKay's sunscreen almost smelled as bad as the stuff the Colonel splashed on his face after shaving. Eeew. They did come back with a new person who smelled interesting and would pet Simon, not like the Ford, who used to sneeze all the time and push Simon away. Ronon never shared his food, but Simon got to lick his fingers after. Yum!

McKay disappeared on one adventure! A bright light sucked him up and Simon thought maybe McKay made a wish and was on his way somewhere else, but then everyone stood around and frowned at the shaking man's computer, so Simon knew something bad had happened. 

It turned out that the Colonel picked the wrong dot on the computer, so Simon had to spend time with a McKay that wasn't quite right. The getting up from a comfortable bed to go running in the middle of the night was ridiculous! Simon still gave the weird McKay extra snuggles whenever he was sad.

McKay finally got back to his grumpy normal, so off Simon went on the next trip through the circle. He thought maybe it hadn't been a good idea to go along when the Colonel crashed the puddlejumper. Fortunately, Ronon had sturdy leather pants to hang onto, although he yelled a bit about Simon's claws.

There was more running and shouting (the Colonel and Teyla stopped to play with sticks) and then Simon got to play hide and seek in the bushes. Fun!

Simon didn't like it when the Colonel and McKay argued in that big, empty place because he got squished when they started running. On the bright side, he had more room on McKay's bed (and a few less wet spots to avoid) for several nights afterward.

Another time, there was a scary bug lady in the woods, but Simon gathered all his courage and jumped on her to save Rodney. She tasted very bad and he hated cleaning his paws afterward. Still, it was worth it because dinner that night was a whole fresh fish!

It was too bad when the Colonel started smelling like the scary bug lady. Simon was glad to leave him behind in Atlantis, at least he was until they ended up outside a cave full of really big bugs! Eeek! 

The first visit to the cave ended up with a lot of running and explosions, but the Colonel got even scarier, so they went back to the cave again. Even though Simon was afraid, he knew it was important to stick with the Colonel because McKay would be sad if the Colonel got lost forever in the woods.

When the Colonel was finally smelling like his old self, Simon and the team suited up to explore a big, empty puddlejumper. The Colonel found a special place to take a nap, then McKay tried one too. Simon was about to join them when a bug man showed up and there was fighting. _Again._ Simon was glad they all got back to the nice, big puddlejumper in time to watch fireworks.

On their next adventure, the Ford showed up and wouldn't let Simon's team go home again. Bad Ford! Ronon and Teyla spent their time fighting like alley cats while McKay worked on a weird puddlejumper that only had room for the Colonel (and Simon). Simon didn't get to fly with the Colonel, though. He had to stay with McKay, who kind of went crazy like the Ford, so Simon stayed under McKay's bed until the Colonel came home and coaxed Simon out with a nice piece of turkey.

The Colonel and Simon walked into a cave and got lost for a long time. There were some nice people in a village who let Simon and the Colonel live with them, but Simon missed McKay and worried he'd lost him like Sarah and Hawkeye. It was no surprise that Simon was much better at the whole meditation thing than the Colonel. One day, the rest of Simon's team came to take them home and it was like they'd never left Atlantis!

Simon wasn't sure why McKay went missing one day, and he had to be extra careful with all the people hurrying around, but he was glad when McKay finally came back with the Colonel (even though McKay's hug was soggy). It was good to get together with them where everything smelled yummy and Simon got treats.

It was odd to visit another Atlantis that wasn't surrounded by water. Simon would have thought it was an improvement if the people there had treated his team better. 

Sometimes things got out of hand on Atlantis, like when the Colonel ran around shooting at everyone and Elizabeth after kissing her! Simon didn't understand why the Colonel didn't just stick to kissing McKay. It was definitely safer for everyone in the long run.

The trouble never seemed to stop for Simon's team - on or off Atlantis - no matter how brave they were. They even ended up being stuck in a scary cage for a while but then they got out.

Even scarier was when the ground kept shaking and the gate fell into a fire and they had to ride on an old big puddlejumper that McKay worked hard to fix just in time. The pretty lady was no help at all and just kept getting in the Colonel's way, which made McKay frownier than usual.

Then there was the time that the Colonel was worried about McKay going somewhere without him, so Simon decided to sneak into McKay's backpack. On reflection, it wasn't one of Simon's wisest decisions.


	3. Part Three

Luckily, they weren't stuck to the yucky walls too long. Ronon always carried sharp knives - sort of like Simon could hide his claws - which meant Simon didn't have to get his claws all sticky, his fur was a mess (and tasted terrible). When the Colonel showed up with a bug man, there was a rescue and Simon was happy to be home until the dust bunnies under McKay's attacked and Simon had to have a _bath_.

Not long after that, Simon's team went out without him (after all, they'd just washed his fur and he couldn't do a thing with it) and came back sad, so Simon spent some quality time letting McKay pet him.

The next time through the water circle, the team had lunch with a smiling man, but Simon didn't like something about him. He figured out what that something was when the smiling man came to Atlantis and stole all the petting and treats from Simon!

McKay and the Colonel put their heads together (not their lips this time, their heads) and figured out how to send the smiling man away. For some strange reason, right after that the Colonel cleaned Simon's litter box for the very first (and last) time.

When McKay came home with an arrow stuck in his sit spot, Simon and the Colonel kept McKay company on the floor until McKay was better. 

When Simon's team and Elizabeth visited another, bigger Atlantis, the mean people there put them in a cage. They got away, of course, but Simon was mad because he wasn't allowed to play with the sparkly bits of people.

Everyone was worried about Elizabeth for a while then she got better. It was worse when Simon's team lost the Colonel on another scary adventure. Simon wanted to help rescue him from another bug man, so he snuck into McKay's backpack _again_. It wasn't fair that McKay shot at a mouse before Simon could catch it, but at least they finally found the Colonel and brought him home safe and sound. 

Simon's team didn't seem to be able to stay safe and sound for long. One time, after a lot of scary chases through the trees, Simon was almost the only one on the team that the Colonel didn't shoot! 

Some new people came to Atlantis and made everyone else go away. McKay and the Colonel took Simon with them, but not Teyla and Ronon, which made Simon sad. When McKay went away from the place that was all walls and no windows, he made Simon stay and catch the crunchy birds to make the Colonel smile.

Even though there weren't any windows to look out of and watch the birds, Simon was glad he'd stayed with the Colonel because otherwise he might have been left behind when everyone went to visit Teyla and Ronon.

The team was back together and went to Atlantis and then there were more sparkly bits that Simon couldn't play with. Everyone else came home to Atlantis and Simon got lots of pets and treats. 

Everything went okay for awhile, but then the Colonel and McKay went for a ride in a puddlejumper and when they came back they shouted - a lot. Simone thought about hiding under the bed, but decided McKay needed some cuddle time to feel better.

The cuddle time seemed to work because McKay and the Colonel got out of bed fast and went exploring in the dark places of Atlantis. There were sounds that got louder and louder and made Simon's ears hurt so he hid under the blanket on McKay's bed, but it didn't help at all. Simon cried and cried until the sounds finally stopped. Everyone was happy again and McKay and the Colonel spent a ridiculous amount of time looking at _water_ , which made no sense at all to Simon.

Simon didn't understand why the team was spending time with the smiling man again because he knew the man was trouble. Simon was right, of course, and the team ended being captured. 

Again.

The Colonel got rid of the bad men and the team said goodbye to the smiling man. Well, everyone except Simon, who wouldn't have anything to do with him and just walked away without looking back.

Back in Atlantis, McKay went exploring in the dark places again. Simon was busy looking for mice so he wasn't sure what happened, but McKay smelled different afterward and he suddenly acted like he knew what Simon was thinking! Simon started getting fed and petted even before he asked and had plenty of lap time for a change. It would have been perfect except for the Colonel getting sadder every day.

Something happened and McKay went back to his old ways of sometimes guessing right when Simon wanted something. Oh well, at least the Colonel was happy again.

When the Colonel and McKay weren't on adventures, they sometimes hid in one of the dark places with snacks and played with something boring. There wasn't a catnip mouse or feather stick anywhere, but sometimes they let Simon chase and eat cheesy crunchies. 

One day, the Elizabeth frowned even more than usual at the Colonel and McKay, and then Simon's team had to travel to a bright, busy place with lots of new smells to investigate. For some reason, the people there seemed especially glad to see Simon.

McKay spent a lot of time with a pretty lady while they were there so Simon was pretty sure the Colonel would be throwing things at a wall when they got back to Atlantis - maybe sooner. 

The team went on an adventure without Simon - in spite of his protests - and, sure enough, they'd needed him because they came back without Teyla! She did show up later, though, so Simon decided to forgive them for leaving him behind.

One day, everyone was having fun in Atlantis until there was a very loud noise then running and shouting. Simon went to his safe place under McKay's bed knowing either McKay or the Colonel would come find him when everything was better. There was another loud noise and no one came. When Simon finally crawled out to see what had happened, everyone was sad, and they stayed that way for a long time.

Simon's team had learned their lesson and wanted him on their next adventure, but it turned out that there were too many feet to avoid in the puddlejumper and _they were going to go under the water_. Simon decided that a nap under the bed was the best way to handle the situation.

The next adventure was a walk in the fields and forest and not bad at all until the Colonel decided the team needed to leave the warm sun and explore a cold, dark place that smelled like the bug men - only worse. 

Simon tried to warn them, but they didn't listen so Simon had to rescue McKay from the biggest bug he'd ever seen. McKay started laughing, but it wasn't funny at all!

There was a little quiet time in Atlantis before the running and shouting started again. A big bump tumbled Simon right off McKay's bed in the middle of his afternoon nap. Being careful to avoid all the sharp bits scattered across the big room's floor, Simon found most of his team outside looking up. That's when Simon found out Atlantis was floating in the middle of the night instead of floating on the water. Simon was pretty sure they were all in big trouble again. Yikes! 

Unfortunately, that's all folks!


End file.
